It’s been a while since I’ve published a blog. This is mostly a good thing!
In the last couple of weeks, life has been a bit more ‘normal’ in many ways. I am still signed off work; things are undoubtedly better but there are definitely a few more ‘rungs of the ladder’ to climb before I reach the top. (This is an analogy I will expand on another time.) But, I am ‘functioning’ more. This is mainly in the form of looking after the boys for full days on my own again. It’s absolutely shattering and I still don’t cope with the challenges terribly well. But….I am doing it and surviving. This may sound dramatic, but I simply couldn’t manage this even a few weeks ago; I had to keep letting other people take over certain situations.
When not busy with them, I have been doing more around the house, sorting things out and organising. For me, this is very satisfying!
I am at a strange ‘in between’ stage now. At first, I completely shut down and did nothing. Mind and body made me completely stop. Yet, I am not back to ‘normal;’ negative thoughts still dominate, despite me trying to fight that, and I can’t yet function fully for very long before becoming too exhausted to continue.
So, I’ve either been busy or completely drained of energy to do anything including much writing! This in itself is a positive sign. I am still writing to a level; there are several blogs currently half-written. But I have not felt I desperately NEED to as much and the fact that I am doing more is great although I am frustrated by the fatigue that follows.
Why am I (still) writing? I started it accidentally, as it was the only outlet I had at first, and the only way I could calm my thoughts. But now there are 4 main reasons that I am continuing:
- The writing is something that I almost compulsively do when my head is spinning and I need to give order to my thoughts.
- Another drive to continue is because of the amazing feedback I have had; people are benefiting from reading them – mostly those in similar situations. Mental health problems can feel isolating and it is helping to break down the barriers and stigma.
- I have always had a desire to ‘make a difference’ to people; I naturally find myself giving my all to help people. I am passionate about patient education and communication generally. I find IT fairly intuitive and therefore I am quite happy using methods of communication to fit in with where people are; clearly social media and online methods play a significant role these days. Maybe I can get some useful messages ‘out there?’
- Some of it I am doing simply because I have found that I am enjoying it. I am planning to expand what I am writing about further.
So the reasons behind writing the blogs has changed to a degree and the quietness of the last couple of weeks is a sign that life is fuller and more positive and my mind is more settled.