Gratitude. And an apology.

My blog last night came from a sudden dip in how I felt.

As much as those feelings are there to a degree normally, they came out last night at full pelt. I realise that it probably came across as ungrateful and insensitive; but the writing is how I handle and process things at the moment. Maybe I shouldn’t have shared it at least…

The last few days have been really hard. The weekend was full on with the boys. The younger one has been ill and was sent home from nursery very early on Monday so I didn’t get the break I was yearning for. Then into the marathon that is a Tuesday. By the evening, a couple of other things had cropped up that just squashed my morale completely; timing-wise, everything just happened at once enough to tip things the wrong way.

I came from relatively humble beginnings; there certainly was no silver spoon situation. My parents gave me every opportunity to experience things and succeed in life. They have sacrificed a lot for me and put me first, even when times have been really tough. They gave me chances they never had themselves. Had I been a different personality, you might have called me ‘spoilt.’ But I have never taken anything for granted and try to give back as much as, or more than, I am given; not necessarily materialistically as that’s not always been possible but certainly in love and care.

As life has gone on, I am aware of how quickly it goes, how precious it is, people’s differing experiences and how grossly unfair it is at times. I am very conscious of mortality. This is in part due to a fairly large amount of contact with death in family and friends as well as through the job. Also, there are people I know that have had awful cancer diagnoses at a young age; that really has made me reassess every moment, take nothing as a given and be grateful for every blessing. Now and again, my own health issues get me down especially when they are active despite taking the small mountain of tablets I have to pour down my throat every night. But, then I give myself a virtual slap and remember that things could be so much worse.

So…those feelings I talked about in the last blog. They are there, but the writing last night was written at a point I was feeling very negative. I know I have achieved plenty and most of that I must thank my parents for – for believing in me and doing everything they could to help things along. I do not take these achievements for granted. I feel grateful that I managed to get through school, medical school and post-graduate training well enough to end up where I am. It is about as good as it could be when it comes to job security and of course there are far worse paid jobs (and all the worries that come with that). I know some people could only dream of being in such a position.

The music was partly my mum’s dream that was never allowed to come to fruition so she made sure that I had the opportunities she never did. Yes, she ‘strongly encouraged’ it when at times I could have not bothered; but I wouldn’t be without it now and am so grateful for this. It has got lost in this period of my life, quite understandably, but having the ability to play at the level I do gives me a fantastic outlet for relaxation, fulfilment and social interaction. I just need to work on it to get it better again.

The people; the most important bit. Although I can often feel inferior and insignificant, this is a minor point in the grand scheme of things. Having been single for the first 10 years of my adult life (being apparently completely unattractive didn’t help self-esteem!), I had resigned myself to the idea of growing old on my own with just a couple of cats for company! Then along came my now husband and things took a different route. With my various physical malfunctions (!), I didn’t get my hopes up too much when it came to having children. Now we have two gorgeous boys. Yes, they run me ragged. Yes, I feel like a rubbish parent most of the time. But, I wouldn’t be without them and I don’t think I am really letting them down in real terms; I’m just finding things a bit tough to cope with at the moment. I also have amazing friends who have been truly wonderful supporting me through this period of difficulty.

So, no…I don’t really have anything to complain about. It’s just this blip that is making things feel darker than they should. I’m sorry for the ungrateful sentiment of the previous blog.

Life is beautiful. Every positive, however small, must be cherished.