As I’ve alluded to previously, I am slightly cynical when it comes to defining ‘normal.’ I think it is one of those words that implies that what is not ‘normal’ is ‘abnormal’ with all the detrimental connotations that go with that.
In any given context, what is ‘normal?’ What is one person’s normal, would not be for someone else. Who sets the benchmark for what ‘normal’ actually is? In real terms, we are all individuals with our own lives and are unique in every way. Normality is also something that changes over time and according to place. ‘Normal’ cannot possibly be applied to everyone and everything.
So, what am I striving for? I thought everything was ‘normal’ (for me) a few months ago. But this particular ‘normal’ broke me. I can’t go back to that. But I desperately want life to return to whatever my new ‘normal’ will be.
Yet, it is a slow process. Recently with seemingly quite a few backward steps. I am not sure why I feel like this entirely. I think I had been doing really well and possibly got a bit over-optimistic, especially as I started to function more as I used to. I am certainly impatient in this context; I am a ‘doer’ and being held back goes against my nature. It’s the bad or tough days that really get to me. Today was one of them. The children seemed to challenge me over and over and over today. The older one was continually ignoring and defying me and the younger seemed to grizzle virtually non-stop despite me trying my hardest to satisfy his needs; although I struggled to identify them. Yes, I became frazzled. No, I didn’t handle it well. I may have even made it worse once my patience and tolerance wore really thin. Then I realise I’m making an utter pig’s ear of parenting and feel like more of a failure than ever.
Is this part of depression still and I am not as far along the road of recovery as I thought? Or am I simply a woefully inadequate and awful parent? If the former, why?! How much longer is it going to take? How do I fix it? If the latter, I also don’t know how to fix it!
So, tonight, I feel a good way back to how I did at the beginning of all this. I have tried to combat negativity. I have pushed myself to get motivated and do what I know is good for me in order to make progress. But, what’s the point? I’m fed up of battling this and seemingly not getting back to any semblance of ‘normal.’ I want to give up and hide away again; I am losing the energy to fight it. But that isn’t an option. ‘Normal’ needs to resume after New Year as I start to phase back in to work.
Redefining my ‘normal,’ but how do I get there?