The few days away were perfect. Just what I needed; solitude and tranquillity.
I knew I felt like I could do with longer. But this wasn’t realistic for many reasons. I wasn’t looking forward to coming home back to noise and things that needed doing. I was upset that I didn’t desperately want to be back with my family; what kind of person does that make me?
But it had to happen and I arrived back last night, utterly exhausted from the journey.
I hoped my children would have missed me and been pleased to see me. As I walked through the door, the 3 year old was more interested in the teddies I had bought them than me and the baby didn’t seem to notice me at all. I had to ask the older one for a cuddle; he obliged briefly. I picked the younger one up for a cuddle too; he immediately whinged and tried to get back down. It was good to hold them but upsetting that the feeling didn’t appear to be reciprocated.
As they got ready for bed, the same pattern continued. When I asked the 3 year old to get out of the bath, he told me to leave him alone. So I did.
Later, I tried to help out my husband doing a household chore and he quite firmly told me to leave it and he was doing it his way. So I took myself off on my own again.
This morning, the three have them have got on as normal; the children still barely noticing my presence.
Nobody wanted or needed me anymore; the three of them have been just fine without me.
I know I needed to share the load. I know I’ve been pretty useless in the last month and everybody has had to do the things I would normally do instead of me.
But now it’s like this, I feel worthless. It’s a vicious cycle. I can’t go to work. I can’t manage much around the house. I can’t cope with looking after my children on my own. Everybody is getting on absolutely OK without me. What’s the point of being here?
I know there’s a rational side but I am struggling to see that at the moment…The children are happy and secure and have a strong relationship with their father. And they are only young and I shouldn’t read too much into their behaviour. My husband is trying to let me rest and not have to worry about things. I know all this in theory. But the emotional side is not that simple.
I just want to hide away and keep myself to myself again. But I can’t get away from the torment of my own emotions.
I feel like I’m back to square one.
GP and Human - Dr. Kathryn Hayman 
You are love and wanted and needed. It just goes to show how amazing you’ve been at bringing up your children to be adaptable to any situation.
My husband is in the Royal Navy and spends 6 mths+ away. He comes home and has to readjust. He finds the same thing – we are in our own routine cracking on with life. It doesn’t mean we don’t want him or need him or that we don’t love him, because we need and love him more than ever. I’m sure the same can be said for your family.
As working mothers we feel wholly responsible for doing everything, and beat ourselves up when we find we can’t do it and it all be perfect. I’ve recently had a PE and the roles were reversed, and even when I was unable to get out of bed, I wanted to do it all, and my family continued as normal. They went away on holiday without me, they went down the beach, they ate dinner when I was sleeping. I was poorly and they carried on without me, and whilst I was sad I didn’t feel needed, my goodness I knew they couldn’t live without me. I’m proud that now, 11 weeks post PE, 2 weeks after returning to work, and as poorly as I was, my children aren’t phased by my illness.
It hurts not to feel wanted or needed, like everyone else is carrying life on as normal, but it goes to show what balanced and secure children and husbands we have, who are able to see how poorly we are, continue with the daily grind and allow us the time to heal. They still need the cuddles from mummy, and still love you, yet sometimes the demand for the presents upon our return from wherever we’ve been are the reassurance we need that they’re doing ok too xxx
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Try not to take it personally. Toddlers and babies are self centred naturally. And they don’t yet know how to express their feelings properly. I am certain they missed you and it will show but they might just have been tired.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Don’t feel you don’t matter, you really do, you are Mum. That always matters.
You will get there.
Xx
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