Today is October 14th.
One month exactly since I hit crisis point.
It has been the longest month of my life.
To me, I feel like I have hardly made any overall progress. Today has felt very similar to those first few days. I have done nothing. Not wanted to speak. Not wanted anything to do with anybody. Not cared about anything. Flat. Empty. Frustrated. Tormented by my own emotions. Wanting to hide away. These bad days drag on and on.
Yet, clearly there has been progress in some ways. People were telling me how well I was doing a week or so ago; I was doing more and getting out more as well as seeming better in myself.
But I feel like I should be and want to be better than I am. I don’t know why; it is ONLY a month. Time I suppose is slow in part because all my days are fairly similar at the moment. I need the rest and lack of responsibility but time has become pretty meaningless.
Guilt adds to the feeling of wanting to hurry up and get better. I need to start looking after the children on my own again. I need to think about when I will go back to work. I need to be ‘useful’ again; not being so has an added negative impact on morale.
There is also the awful feeling of detachment and not being in control. I don’t like it. Who am I at the moment? I don’t feel like ‘me.’ My life is being controlled by ‘depression.’ I want to go back to normal. I want it to go away.
It’s taking forever; it’s been a long month.
GP and Human - Dr. Kathryn Hayman 
I understand. Someone said to me “it’s taken a lot to get you where you are now and it will take a lot to sort you out!!” You are you!! A wonderful person. It sounds silly but I even feel silly when someone says my Christian name!!! You are wanted and needed as you – a person and as a mum and wife. Who you are will come later!! You have given so much of you to others and seen things (I’m a nurse and know how aweful your training would be) that only others have nightmares about – with no breathing space before performing yet another miricle. You will come back. I will come back. Our children hopefully will not recall this time. We are like roses – we have been so busy flowering and helping others that we have forgotten to feed and water ourselves. When we have a break and rest along with the essential Maslow heirachy we will flower bigger and brighter. Sending you a huge hug. Ps ever superwoman must rest!!! X
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PS wanting speed is part of the jobs we do so engrained into us hence why that feeling maybe. Please be kind to yourself x
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Ops it takes many notes to complete a bar to make a song! You will get there x
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