This may seem an odd title…
Life was so frantic that it had become merely a process; a daily chore to ‘get through’ each day. Pretty much nothing more than that. ‘Me’ was virtually non-existent; those things that define me as a person beyond a functional serving being.
I have already, in previous blogs, alluded to starting to resent my husband and children. My husband and I had become merely like housemates with barely any interaction and certainly not in any meaningful way. Although, I do realise it is not uncommon as parents of young children to converse mostly about the practical side of day to day parenting. Beyond that, we seemed to be just independently getting on with what our own lives required; not even sitting down together for meals or in front of the television anymore. The common interests were no longer present; for us, this is mainly as classical musicians.
With regards to the children, I dreaded Tuesdays; the day when I have them all day on my own. As my blog ‘Where is the line?’ described, these days have been so long and demanding. I haven’t had enough energy left to make them fulfilling for them or me. Very much stuck in a vicious cycle. Most weekends were just me and them too so followed the same relentless patterns. I got to the point that I avoided coming home from work before they were in bed as I couldn’t face any more of their noise and challenging behaviours (normal for preschool aged children of course!). Brief moments of enjoyment have been rare; whilst knowing that underneath I am absolutely besotted with them!
This has been hard to write down and share; I am rather ashamed. What sort of wife resents her husband? What sort of mother resents her children?
Since a month ago when my mind and body seemed to decide for me that enough was enough, I have not been solely responsible for the children, until just a little this week. My husband is now much more present and involved in family life; there has been no choice but for him to carry most things in the last month (with unfailing support from others especially my lovely mum). I have dipped in and out as and when I can manage; some days are better than others.
I had lost sight of any positivity in my relationship with them. Friendships were probably becoming more one-sided too. Now that my husband is sharing in family life more and my time spent in the company of the children is less pressured due to the load being shared between us, glimpses of meaningful and enjoyable interactions are starting to emerge. I had not fully realised before how much of this had been lost.
Moving forward, I need to rediscover myself; this is important to add balance, diversity and refreshment back into my life so that I can re-energise and be a good wife, mother and doctor.
I also need to rebuild my relationships with my family.
I need to become an individual again, not just a slave to others. I need to become a mother again, not just a carer. We need to become a married couple and family again, not just housemates.