A pause…

I currently have 3 unpublished blogs at different stages of completeness.

I am still writing down what I feel I need to; although it doesn’t feel as compulsory to do so as it did 2 weeks ago. I am now making progress with doing more and getting out of the house so less time is spent purely sitting reflecting then writing to put order to those thoughts.

I am holding back on publishing them for a few reasons:

• Usually, I keep them for myself a little while anyway as a source of reflection and personal therapy and I am not ready to publish them yet.
• Given what has happened with someone’s misguided and deluded way of trying to ‘help,’ I have lost some trust in who knows what; although I think I have an idea who it was and it doesn’t actually directly relate to the blogs and writing publicly as I think it was a so called ‘friend’ who knows what is going on mostly through direct communication.
• A couple of friends have expressed concern about me writing things that can be read publicly, especially as it very open and personal, as I may be leaving myself too exposed to people who may not mean well and could use it against me. The idea that there is ‘disapproval’ is another negative burden that I can do without even though I know this only comes from concern and I am grateful for that.

I shared this writing with my eyes wide open and proceeded cautiously.

This website and the corresponding facebook page does not identify me (although the original picture was more recognisable than I thought hence I changed it), but I knew there was a chance that my identity could become known beyond my immediate friends and the GPs I chose to share it with.

Primarily, I am writing for myself. The first blog particularly was very well received and shared widely. Many of my GP friends and colleagues shared it and the original author could have been any one of us. It then evolved from there; I could see that people wanted to read them and were benefiting from them too, either because it resonates with them personally or because it gives them more insight into how somebody else might be feeling. Therefore, I made sure that there was nothing that linked them to me personally by giving them a separate facebook page and rechecking the privacy on my personal facebook account.

Sharing the writing has given me such a great source of comfort and, unexpectedly, been helpful to others too so I was prepared to take the risk that my identity might become more widely known. I feel I have nothing to hide and am coming round to the idea that I have nothing to be ashamed of.

I would like to publish the blogs again at some point. But for now it seems, it is better if I do not do so.

Thank you for sharing my journey so far and the incredible support that you have shown; it has made a world of difference to my progress already.