The few days away were perfect. Just what I needed; solitude and tranquillity.
I knew I felt like I could do with longer. But this wasn’t realistic for many reasons. I wasn’t looking forward to coming home back to noise and things that needed doing. I was upset that I didn’t desperately want to be back with my family; what kind of person does that make me?
But it had to happen and I arrived back last night, utterly exhausted from the journey.
I hoped my children would have missed me and been pleased to see me. As I walked through the door, the 3 year old was more interested in the teddies I had bought them than me and the baby didn’t seem to notice me at all. I had to ask the older one for a cuddle; he obliged briefly. I picked the younger one up for a cuddle too; he immediately whinged and tried to get back down. It was good to hold them but upsetting that the feeling didn’t appear to be reciprocated.
As they got ready for bed, the same pattern continued. When I asked the 3 year old to get out of the bath, he told me to leave him alone. So I did.
Later, I tried to help out my husband doing a household chore and he quite firmly told me to leave it and he was doing it his way. So I took myself off on my own again.
This morning, the three have them have got on as normal; the children still barely noticing my presence.
Nobody wanted or needed me anymore; the three of them have been just fine without me.
I know I needed to share the load. I know I’ve been pretty useless in the last month and everybody has had to do the things I would normally do instead of me.
But now it’s like this, I feel worthless. It’s a vicious cycle. I can’t go to work. I can’t manage much around the house. I can’t cope with looking after my children on my own. Everybody is getting on absolutely OK without me. What’s the point of being here?
I know there’s a rational side but I am struggling to see that at the moment…The children are happy and secure and have a strong relationship with their father. And they are only young and I shouldn’t read too much into their behaviour. My husband is trying to let me rest and not have to worry about things. I know all this in theory. But the emotional side is not that simple.
I just want to hide away and keep myself to myself again. But I can’t get away from the torment of my own emotions.
I feel like I’m back to square one.